Two Seconds

Two seconds. That’s all it took to reach this moment of instantaneous clarity. Gone are the days that the idea of self took a backseat to the idea of community. Delusioned, was I? Maybe. Somebody has to care, right? Moments of thought made way for moments of action, and now this habit must be broken.

Two minutes. That’s all it would have taken them. What did they do in those two minutes? My expectations for them are too great. Perhaps, the mentality of “Expect the worst, hope for the best and never get hurt,” is something that truly should have been kept in mind. We are young; however, it’s not that unrealistic to expect your friends to not manipulate your trust. Is it that silly to expect them to hold you to even a fraction of the level of regard you allot them? Friendships can be forged in those minutes, and by extension- friendships can be lost in them too.

Two hours. You spend this time burdened by the feeling of worthlessness cast upon you by your own friends. This is the time it took for just one to confess this tragic story of epic proportions. Melodramatic and teen angsty, much? A smirk forms on your face, even while this stark reality haunts you. You should have expected it. They know that no matter what they do, once you care- you will always care. It’s a character flaw.

Two days. Who are we kidding? This decision was not spur of the moment. Somethings need to soak in first. You are who you are because you do not do things in haste, so remove the self and explore different perspectives. These days are spent analyzing yourself, whilst they spend theirs so self-absorbed. The last time you checked- they were the ones so quick to judge, condemn and throw you away at not even a moments notice. It is your own fault, really. The most expendable person is the one who enables this vicious cycle to continue. You have become the victim of your own predictable forgiving demeanor. Who knew that such a world existed that even those who perpetuate the idea of friendship with you, would be the first to take advantage of you?

Two weeks. You noticed that the group skype calls never included you anymore, but did not think too much of it. Friendships can be exclusive, and inclusion amongst your group of friends may be too much to ask for. Contact did not fully stop. You still got the IM’s when they needed depth. They don’t value the person you are, but they do value what you can do for them. The Eros sim. The Crusade for the betterment of the teen community. Even just the reassurance you give them when their world is crashing, their hearts are breaking and their own idea of self-worth is shaking. You wish you could blame them for taking and never giving, but that prize belongs to you- you allowed it.

Two months. Hindsight is 20/20, but that’s all this time has been. You wonder to yourself that maybe if you did things a little differently, said your words a little more assertively- this mess of hurt would not be where you are now. There have been trickles of dishonesty, streams of covered up lies, lakes of people swearing they will change, rivers of friends using you with only their own self-interests at heart that have all opened up into an ocean of confusion and pain. Solace is found amongst the smallest of things. It has always been maintained that mistakes made are not what defines a person, but whether or not they learn from them is a greater indicator of their character. Have they learned anything from it? No, they have not. Nothing is sacred in this world, and they would rather point the finger than acknowledge their own wrong-doing.

Two years. That’s how long you have been in this virtual world. What have you accomplished? What have you gained? Time spent logging on with the belief you could make this a better place. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years with the idea that there is always a sense of purpose. Often times the best things in life are stumbled upon, but because there is no accountability in this world- more often that not, the worst of people always come out. This foolish and optimistic child who had a fire and passion in his heart and a desire in his soul to give everyone the opportunity to not just dream but realize them too… Where have you gone? What happened to your own dreams? He’s gone.

His friends taught him how to trust, and they introduced him to the betrayal that follows it.

Nothing and nobody ever stays the same. Not even for two seconds.